Creative Roadkill
Roll Your Own
What fly tier doesn’t love to find roadkill, be it squirrels, woodchucks or deer? It’s out there, laying around, waiting to be picked up – and at no cost. What a country – free materials!
Knowing where to cruise is important. Thoughtful road crews have made the search easier. Consider all the warning signs along our roadways: deer crossing; moose crossing; cattle crossing, etc. This signage makes us more efficient in our collecting. Mapping out these signs in your community can reduce your investment of time and increase your Cruising to Pickup Ratio (CPR).
Skill training will boost your CPR. Reducing the critter carcass to possession before anyone else sees it is important. Vigilance pays off. Driving past a downed duck, slamming on the brakes and shifting into reverse is effective but just not stylish. Doing so reveals you to be an amateur. Better, is the 3-point “Y” turn. In rural areas, like where I live, some of these narrow lanes require a 15 or 24-point turn. For the unwary, this may necessitate a 2-hour investment, factoring in the wait for the tow truck. So, other methods are needed.
Best, is to slow down, lean out an open driver’s side door and grasp the expired ermine. However, this requires the use of a seatbelt lest you become an added roadside attraction. Safety first. If you live where there’s very little traffic, thus very little roadkill, don’t despair - all is not lost.
There is a black art, spoken of only in whispers, in the back rooms of fly shops. It’s known as “rolling your own” roadkill.
In my own experience, things can go wrong quickly. I remember the time my friend accepted my challenge to roll a woodchuck. Unfortunately, the ‘chuck was entering a mature cornfield at the time. To this day, I still get the heebie-geebies just walking down the produce aisle when sweet corn is in season. Even canned corn makes me break out in a cold sweat. It takes a special person (with a warped sense of values) to engage in rolling your own. Almost all the fly fishermen I know are, by definition, qualified.
A little practice goes a long way. There’s a fine line between converting a valuable specimen into tying materials and just another grease spot along the highway. A glancing blow is to be desired versus a full rollover. You can achieve this by practicing with a child’s stuffed animals. Set them up along a straight stretch of road and go at it. Use your hood ornament as a sighting device and strike with a glancing blow so as to knock the target into the roadside ditch.
A word of caution is in order when rolling man-eating species. Through evolution, they’ve evolved into sneaky critters that will reduce you to lunch if your aim is off by inches.
Another category to be avoided is marine mammals. Few vehicles will survive the watery crash, much less get you out in time before drowning. A word to the wise is sufficient.
Similarly, most of the African plains animals are to be avoided. The downsized vehicles most commonly driven these days are no match for hippo, rhino or elephant. Oh, you can try it if you like to live on the edge, but, like using a 2-weight for salmon, this often leads to disappointment, or worse (like the necessity for fresh underwear).
I think it sufficient to say you should take a pass on mountain goats and bighorn sheep, for obvious reasons.
So, there you have it, a primer for collecting your own roadkill. Now you have all the information you need to start collecting slow squirrels, wounded woodchucks, limping lizards and careless cranes along the highways and byways of this wonderful country. Now get out there and cruise like a pro.
P.S. This column is an attempt at alleged humor. The ASPCA, Friends of Animals and the like, need not respond. I’ll stay out of your way if you’ll stay out of mine.
